Ten things women (and some men) need to know about football:

It’s not a matter of life and death: Really, it’s not. But as Bill Shankly, the legendary Liverpool manager stated, ‘I assure you, it’s more serious than that’. I must confess during the Euro ’96 penalty shoot out , England vs Germany, it felt pretty serious and very painful.

Football really is a game of two halves: Many a match has been transformed by the half time team talk or clever substitutions. A good example is the 2005 Champions League final when Liverpool were 3-0 down in the first half which was transformed in the second half into a 3-3 draw and subsequent win on penalties. The Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson’s ‘hairdryer’ treatment (when he delivers a verbal onslaught to the team) has been shown to be highly effective in many a second half turnaround.

Don’t leave before the final whistle: Manchester United were 1-0 down against Bayern Munich in the 1999 Champions League final with 1 minute to go. Man U scored in the 1^st and 3^rd minute of injury time. And my husband nearly had a heart attack.

The England football team: Haven’t won anything since 1966

A penalty: Is something that England players miss on a regular basis.

A dive: Is what you do in the box in front of the goal if you want a penalty

Footballers writhe around in agony when they get tackled: Because they want the perpetrator to be given a red or yellow card and because they are sissies. Funnily enough, when they are really hurt they don’t make a fuss and are big brave soldiers.

FIFA stands for: Federation Internationale de Football Association.  Or old Fogeys Intent on F****** up A beautiful game

Sepp Blatter: President of FIFA.  Very popular in Russia and Qatar. Rest of the world? Not so much.

‘We was robbed’: Is what you must say every time your team loses a match.

Ten differences between men and women watching T.V.

Women	Men
Like to watch a programme with company so they can discuss it and provide ongoing commentary	Prefer to watch alone.
Stand  in front of the T.V. to get their attention	Never want our attention when they’re watching t.v.
Leap up in the ad breaks to do stuff	Don’t
Tend to sit anywhere when watching	Have a special chair and woe betide anyone who sits in it..
Love soaps	Probably love soaps but won’t admit it
Do other things at the same time such as chat, ironing, their nails, check emails	Can’t and won’t even have a conversation while watching T.V.
Watch a favourite film over and over	‘Why watch it again? I know what happens’
Ask questions during thrillers – ‘why did he do that? Is she a baddie?’	‘Wait and see’ (and even if the plot is complicated, won’t admit they don’t get it)
Will channel hop if allowed	Hide the remote
Like to switch off and go to bed when it get’s late	‘I’ll be up in a minute dear’

Did you know?

In the UK, the average viewing time per person day is 4 hours, in the USA it’s 4 hours 49 minutes. This means we spend an average of more than one whole day per week watching T.V. This figure dips in the summer months.

In the UK, 97% of households own at least one T.V. and in the USA this figure is 98%.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams