Are men missing a listening gene?

The word ‘listen’ is appearing excessively in the UK news at the moment. The UK health secretary, Andrew Lansley, has been accused on not listening to over 1 million employees of the state funded health system and many experts, advising him that the restructure is unworkable. According to a senior civil servant, Lansley is the ‘worst listener’ he has worked with in a long career serving health ministers.

Now the Prime Minister and Deputy PM have launched a campaign to ‘pause, listen, reflect and improve’

But are men actually any good at listening? Women are renowned as good listeners, but I will freely admit that we also like to talk and share – a lot!

As men get older, they tend to suffer from a well known condition ‘selective deafness’. This complicated filtering system enables them to hear the television, to hear you call ‘dinner’s ready’ and their mates inviting them for a drink. But strangely – ‘can you put the cat out/the tap in the bathroom needs fixing/where shall we go on holiday this year’ becomes white noise, inaudible to the male human ear. Fascinating.

My late, much beloved husband was a fantastic listener in the early days of romance. He would l watch my face intently, his head tilted slightly to one side, his eyes, rich pools of dark treacle, hanging on my every word.  Fast forward to twenty years later and ‘are you listening to me’ was my common cry as he kept his finger on the point in the newspaper he had reached when I tried to talk to him. If we had something important to discuss where I needed his full attention, (like the time he surprised me with a gift of two Labrador puppies and I completely freaked) we used to go out for a meal. This tactic was designed to ensure that a) he wasn’t distracted so would listen and b) I couldn’t yell in a public place!

My grandmother used to believe that men’s listening skills involved ‘in one ear and out the other’ which could explain a lot.

Research has shown that men and women display different listening behaviours. Women need more affirmation that they are being listened to. We need to see the head tilted in concentration, frequent nodding, and obvious engagement. Whereas men were found to view frequent nodding as a sign of absolute agreement.

So it may be that women aren’t better listeners, we are just better at pretending to listen!

In Los Angeles, a recent poll found that a third of women felt that their pet’s listened to them more than their husband. On the other hand, there is a UK dating agency that specifically looks for Japanese brides as apparently they are much more ‘silent and attentive’ than Englishwomen.

I guess there are two sides to every story.....

Wayne Rooney – the ugly side of football

Yesterday the Football Association (FA) gave Wayne Rooney a two match ban for swearing into a television camera during a match on Saturday. At first glance this may seem an excessive punishment, especially for Rooney’s team, Manchester United, as they enter a crucial phase in the lead up to the climax of the Premiership title race.

But, even though I am a Manchester united season ticket holder, I applaud the FA (and it’s not often I say that) and their decision.

I was watching the match on TV at the weekend. It was an exciting spectacle, with Man U pulling back from a first half 2 – 0 deficit with three goals from Rooney in the space of 15 minutes in the second half. It was my idea of a perfect Saturday – slow start to the day then settling in to a favourite armchair to watch my favourite team play my favourite sport. Like all armchair fans that afternoon, I leapt up as the penalty went in. Rooney’s team mates swamped him as footballers do in celebration, but then he shook them off and turned to the camera, his face contorted into an ugly mass of hatred. With what can only be described as pure venom and raw anger, he swore audibly, and for even those hard of hearing, there could be no doubt as to the words he so clearly mouthed. I literally stepped back – the verbal attack suddenly feeling very personal.

The joy of the game was gone for me in an instant.

What a wonderful contrast a few minutes later as Hernandez scored United’s fourth goal. He stood still, eyes heavenward, arms outstretched, with a smile that was like liquid sunshine. It could have melted icebergs. His joy was the joy of hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of spectators all over the world.

Another fine contrast to the miserable Rooney is the goalkeeper, Edwin Van Der Sar, who has served his team brilliantly since 2005, and remained constant in his demeanour and professionalism even as his wife fought a life threatening illness last year. Most, if not all, of Rooney’s off pitch concerns are of his own making. Through greed, lack of control or sheer ignorance.

I hope that Sir Alex Ferguson does not contest this two match ban, even though it may have  consequences for the team. I also hope that Rooney goes on to score many more goals for us till the end of the season so his value on the transfer market goes up.

Then I hope Manchester United will sell him. I don’t want to see that nasty face of football at Old Trafford next year.

Thank you Mum.

In the UK this Sunday is Mother’s day – and my first without my mother. Even though she suffered from severe dementia for the last ten years of her life, my Mum will be very much missed on this special day for mothers.

So I thought I would send her one last card, with my thanks.

Thank you for:                                                                             

Helping me believe I can do anything: This was such a powerful message that I even applied to join the first UK astronaut programme in 1987. The really scary thing is that I got through the first round of applications and am terrified of heights!

Telling me that childbirth is ‘as easy as falling off a log’: Of course it isn’t – but I went into the labour room perfectly calm which I am sure contributed to the very easy birth of my daughter.

Being a fantastic Granny: Staying with Granny and Granddad was always a great adventure for my daughter and niece. And thank you for loving your step grandchildren too.

Teaching me that cooking is about love: You were always a wonderful hostess, even though the kitchen looked like a crime scene afterwards.

Your courage: In joining the Royal Navy during the second world war, and having the courage to marry a ‘poor Scottish sailor’ despite your parents’ disapproval.

Showing me that there really is such a thing as true love: Your love story and long years of marriage gave me the patience to wait for the right one and recognise my true love when I met him.

Teaching me to like gin and tonic: Alcohol was never a mystery or forbidden fruit to so I believe I have a healthy relationship with it.(and very rarely get drunk!!)

Helping me understand that fun, family time and generally enjoying life is much, much more important than housework: Perhaps telling your granddaughter that women with tidy cupboards have very small brains was a little extreme!

Being terribly funny: Even when you didn’t mean to!

Really embarrassing your children: It meant that I have been able to do the same with mine!

Being there when I needed you: getting up at 5am to be with me when my late husband had surgery and managing to keep me occupied and relatively sane whole as waited for him to come out of the operating theatre.

Being fiercely proud of your children: we have all grown up to be pretty confident individuals with a good sense of self worth.

Teaching me independence: If I didn’t press my school uniform, no-one else would.

For my genes: Pity about the bunions and my short sight, but good skin, good health and hopefully longevity are all precious gifts.

If there is a Heaven, I have no doubt you will be there, causing your own very special brand of happy chaos, surrounded by those we have lost but still love.

Ten things women (and some men) need to know about football:

It’s not a matter of life and death: Really, it’s not. But as Bill Shankly, the legendary Liverpool manager stated, ‘I assure you, it’s more serious than that’. I must confess during the Euro ’96 penalty shoot out , England vs Germany, it felt pretty serious and very painful.

Football really is a game of two halves: Many a match has been transformed by the half time team talk or clever substitutions. A good example is the 2005 Champions League final when Liverpool were 3-0 down in the first half which was transformed in the second half into a 3-3 draw and subsequent win on penalties. The Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson’s ‘hairdryer’ treatment (when he delivers a verbal onslaught to the team) has been shown to be highly effective in many a second half turnaround.

Don’t leave before the final whistle: Manchester United were 1-0 down against Bayern Munich in the 1999 Champions League final with 1 minute to go. Man U scored in the 1^st and 3^rd minute of injury time. And my husband nearly had a heart attack.

The England football team: Haven’t won anything since 1966

A penalty: Is something that England players miss on a regular basis.

A dive: Is what you do in the box in front of the goal if you want a penalty

Footballers writhe around in agony when they get tackled: Because they want the perpetrator to be given a red or yellow card and because they are sissies. Funnily enough, when they are really hurt they don’t make a fuss and are big brave soldiers.

FIFA stands for: Federation Internationale de Football Association.  Or old Fogeys Intent on F****** up A beautiful game

Sepp Blatter: President of FIFA.  Very popular in Russia and Qatar. Rest of the world? Not so much.

‘We was robbed’: Is what you must say every time your team loses a match.

Ten differences between men and women watching T.V.

Women	Men
Like to watch a programme with company so they can discuss it and provide ongoing commentary	Prefer to watch alone.
Stand  in front of the T.V. to get their attention	Never want our attention when they’re watching t.v.
Leap up in the ad breaks to do stuff	Don’t
Tend to sit anywhere when watching	Have a special chair and woe betide anyone who sits in it..
Love soaps	Probably love soaps but won’t admit it
Do other things at the same time such as chat, ironing, their nails, check emails	Can’t and won’t even have a conversation while watching T.V.
Watch a favourite film over and over	‘Why watch it again? I know what happens’
Ask questions during thrillers – ‘why did he do that? Is she a baddie?’	‘Wait and see’ (and even if the plot is complicated, won’t admit they don’t get it)
Will channel hop if allowed	Hide the remote
Like to switch off and go to bed when it get’s late	‘I’ll be up in a minute dear’

Did you know?

In the UK, the average viewing time per person day is 4 hours, in the USA it’s 4 hours 49 minutes. This means we spend an average of more than one whole day per week watching T.V. This figure dips in the summer months.

In the UK, 97% of households own at least one T.V. and in the USA this figure is 98%.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams